(The following is the actual entry from my journal)

I was feeling really hopeful that tonight’s ceremony would be the one. I could just sense it deep down. So, I headed to the Maloca early, wanting to get my usual spot right next to the door. Tonight was “Ladies night,” which meant that all the Shamans leading the ceremony were women. The lead Shaman was this short, powerful woman with a good energy about her. I was drawn to her right away.

The night started off like usual, with us lining up for our cup of the brew. I got mine and walked back to my bed. The silent hour began, and I started saying my intentions. But as the hour ended, I felt nothing—no nausea, no visions. I went up for the second cup, but this one was tougher to swallow. The brew had a richer, earthier taste that I didn’t enjoy as much.

As I sat on my bed, I started to look out the window and saw people walking, but I also saw people blending in with the shadows. I thought, “Oh, my visions have started!” But as soon as I thought that, it all disappeared. The music was loud and beautiful, but it was hard to concentrate. The floor felt like a nightclub, and everyone seemed to be enjoying the brew. Still, I felt nothing.

During this whole time, my mind was racing with thoughts. I was frustrated and impatient, thinking tonight was supposed to be the night. I walked over to grandfather fire, a fire made outdoors, to set my intention. But as I asked, I noticed I was being rough and angry with my words. I went back to my bed to wait.

I went up for my third cup and told the Shaman that I hadn’t purged or had any visions. Her advice? “Drink six cups and come see me.” I was taken aback. Even the most experienced person here hadn’t had more than five cups.

I went back to my bed, and something told me to go outside. As soon as the breeze hit my face, I was thrown to all fours and began to purge. It ended quickly but hurt like hell. A light worker came to check on me and handed me paper to clean my face.

Finally, something was happening. So, I went back for my fourth cup. By this time, I thought about 30 minutes had passed. But in the Maloca, time and space seemed to bend, and they had closed the “bar.” I approached the Shaman, and she looked at me and said, “Yes, she gets the last cup.” So, I took my fourth cup.

I lay on my bed, and when the lights came on at 2 am, I was pissed. I felt like it had only been 30 minutes, but the ceremony was over. I went to the bathroom and purged again. I lay on my bed, too tired to attend the group closeout. I could hear them, but it was quiet, so I closed my eyes.

That’s when Mother Aya decided to show up! She presented me with an orange insect and said, ‘You see this insect? It eats through the wood in a straight path…’ I watched as the insect diligently carved through the wood, much like a carpenter bee. Mother Aya went on to explain that the insect not only eats through the wood but also learns everything about it—its age, nutrients, and what it needs to thrive. By understanding the wood so deeply, the insect becomes one with the tree. Eventually, the insect’s journey is complete when it sees the other side. Mother Aya’s message was clear: ‘Be the insect.’”

My body literally started to shake, and I turned into the insect and morphed back to myself. She then said, “Consume everything you will learn, and you’ll see the other side.” After the ceremony, I walked to my room, took a shower, and went to bed. But the information and medicine were still in full effect. Aya came back in my dreams and showed me a computer file. She said she would download it but not give me access until my journey was complete. In the dream, I could see the file being downloaded into my body. When I woke up, I felt as though something had shifted within me.